how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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