How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
