I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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