I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
