Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
