I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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