So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
