Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
