I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
