Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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