Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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