Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
