This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
