I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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