im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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