dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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