Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I will pee on everything he values.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Randomize
