Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
