I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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