i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
