I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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