I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
