She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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