he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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