I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
