textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
