Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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