I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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