If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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