the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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