I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
