I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
