I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
