Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
