no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
