Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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