My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
