I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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