Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
