I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
