Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
