Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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