Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
