I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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