You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize