hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
