i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize