Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
