i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This is my gift to your gina
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
