if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
