the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
