I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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