So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
