I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
