p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
