I am midnight drunk by noon
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
