What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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